Fourteen tips from smart people who live on social media and moderate comments sections.
By Tanya Chen, a freelance writer who covers technology and internet culture.
FIX MY LIFE
A series about small ways to try and take control.
Photo-Illustration: The Cut; Photos: Getty
As wildfires torched Los Angeles faster than its residents could process what was happening earlier this month, Angelenos and non-Californians, public figures and nobodies, all flooded social media to point fingers. Khloé Kardashian told her 304 million Instagram followers that Mayor Karen Bass is “a joke,” prompting actress Yvette Nicole Brown to call Kardashian out for her own excessive water use. On X and in the comments of Instagram how-to-help carousels, people debated whether wealthy celebrities deserved any compassion for losing their homes. Others argued about whether homeless arsonists were responsible for sparking the first flames in the Palisades, or if it was poor forest management, or Bass, or Governor Gavin Newsom that was to blame — or was it actually ChatGPT?
For better or worse, social media is where many of us go to make sense of what’s happening in the world around us (and with Trump 2.0 in full swing, there’s a lot happening right now). While it’s okay to argue with someone you disagree with online, you could probably be going about it better. So we asked creators, political commentators, and moderators how they handle arguments on all sorts of platforms. How do you get through to your opponent? When is it time to give up and walk away? And when you’ve crossed a line, how do you own up to it and apologize? Below, their advice.
Don’t be hostile
Redditor Pedantichrist has moderated some of the biggest pages on the internet over the last five years, including /r/lifeprotips, which has 23 million active users. “Anything Trump says is automatically wrong or anything Biden says is automatically wrong,” he’s observed. “People just want to undermine the enemy. The problem isn’t that people disagree with each other; it’s that when people disagree, they see it as an insult and a challenge.” Just being polite, he says, goes a long way toward finding some common ground.
Acknowledge your opponent
The Cut’s own Ej Dickson, who’s known to get down in the trenches on X, avoids framing disagreements as a matter of who’s smarter or more empathetic. “It makes people more open to your argument if you appeal to the fact that you believe they are at a baseline reasonable and intelligent, even if you don’t actually think they are,” she says. Dickson recommends using language like “you are an intelligent person whose opinion I generally respect but I disagree with you on this,” or “clearly you seem like a compassionate person, but I respectfully submit you may have a blind spot on this one issue.” These statements show you’re not just trying to beef with the other person for the sake of it.
Accept that you won’t change minds right away
Almost everyone cautioned against entering a conversation with the intent to change anyone’s mind — at least not after one exchange — because rewiring our beliefs takes time. Instead, focus on “making a connection,” as activist adrienne maree brown suggests.
Don’t take the bait …
Caroline Burke, who co-hosts the podcast Diabolical Lies and is known for her TikToks critiquing tradwives, takes on what she describes as a teacher’s mind-set. “You have to hold yourself to a high emotional standard,” she says. When trolls call her angry or haggard, she doesn’t give them an easy off-ramp. “I try to be overly sweet and overly calm,” she says, “and if you can ruffle me, I’m not going to have the conversation at all.”
… And watch your own language
“No insults, no name-calling, no foul language,” says Reddit moderator DontFWithMeImPetty, who helps oversee big entertainment pages like /r/popculturechat and /r/BachelorNation. “If you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face, don’t say it online.”
Don’t expect much from X
“The days of changing people’s minds on Twitter are behind us,” says Briahna Joy Gray, a political commentator and the former press secretary for Bernie Sanders’s 2020 campaign. Bella, a Reddit moderator for reality buffs on /r/vanderpumprules, adds that on the platform “replies can get lost in the sea of others, and the format isn’t well designed for consistent back-and-forth between users.”
Try Reddit, YouTube, or Discord instead
Bella and other Reddit moderators I spoke with feel the platform allows users more space to elaborate on their arguments. They add that conversations there follow a call-and-response pattern that other people can easily follow, too. The rules of engagement are also clearly defined on every forum. Bella enforces a “no politics or religion” rule on her sub-Reddit to prevent “more tumultuous” discourse.
Gray points to YouTube as another venue where she’s seen productive, good-faith debates unfold in the comments, whether it’s in the channel for her own leftist podcast Bad Faith or that of her political adversary, Joe Rogan. “You will find more ideological diversity than you might predict,” she says. “There is more likely to be a genuine exchange because there is community.” Several other creators cited Discord as a place their followers go to get into the conversational weeds.
Practice your talking points IRL
“Don’t neglect real life,” Gray says. She likes to consult her mother, who shares her politics and values. “But if that’s not you,” she advises, “cultivate relationships in political organizations, among like-minded friends, or partners who can provide a sounding board you trust.” Several others recommended talking with someone IRL about the issues that trigger you online, because it trains you to recognize that even when you’re firing off heated messages from the remove of your device, there’s a real person on the receiving end.
Check your sources
“We have to hold fast to educating ourselves outside the apps,” says Jazmine Brown, who talks about fashion and sustainability on Instagram. She suggests reading books, listening to podcasts, and getting news from verifiable sources rather than “simply gaining info from infographics online.”
Block or mute anyone who violates your boundaries
Almost everyone I spoke with recommended liberally muting or blocking people who don’t act in good faith. Zarinah Williams, who’s known for her pop culture and social annotation as Culturework on TikTok, abides by what she calls a “doors closed” policy and expects her audience to have zero tolerance for racism. “A lot of people have been taught that apologies are enough. ‘Let’s wait and see if x, y, z white woman apologizes for her racist tweets,’” she explains. “No, that’s not community for the future. A lot of recurring problems keep happening because there is no consequence for them.” Anyone who doesn’t align with those values? “I block them,” Williams says. “Door is closed.”
Apologize when you’ve hurt the other person …
Redditor Pedantichrist suggests apologizing if you’ve said something that harmed your opponent. “A good apology should articulate what was done wrong, what was wrong about it, the regret that the individual feels for their actions, and also any commitment to avoiding it in future,” he says.
… But make sure you back it up with action, too
“A good public apology is rare, because the pace of public discourse is so much faster than the pace of authentic self-reflection, repair, and behavior change,” says adrienne maree brown. “I think most online apologies happen from a shame spiral or a PR strategy.” An activist, brown is the author of the book Loving Corrections, which gives readers a roadmap for navigating difficult conversations. In the book, she apologizes to people who believe COVID vaccines undermined their bodily autonomy. “I was publicly super dismissive of this position in the first year of COVID-19 but then learned I was in community with people I respected who are unvaccinated,” she says. “I had to open my mind to their reality, even if we disagree. I think I’d much rather have the behavior change than a quick and meaningless public statement.”
Step away once you become glued to your screen
Are you obsessively refreshing your feeds in hopes of seeing new engagement? Bella recommends you log off. “You’ll find yourself going back and editing your comment because ten minutes later you think of a better way to justify your argument, or you notice someone downvotes your comment and so you try to rectify it,” the Reddit moderator says. “It sounds silly, but sometimes you really do need to go touch grass.”
Consider defending your cause with a donation instead
If you want to feel like you’ve made a tangible impact on the cause that matters to you, brown suggests donating or taking direct action, like giving to mutual aid funds for victims of the L.A. wildfires. “That is actually the most useful thing you can do,” says brown. “The mayor of L.A. is not going to check what I’m saying about her job online. I need to be in contact with people who are going to make these changes.”